learning curve

I seem to be on a learning curve lately.
See, the last few posts have been part of a process (a messy one) in which I try to figure out what the hell happened and what I do now and how do I work it out so I can live with it. Cause in any number of previous posts I've mentioned that I don't drink, use drugs or alter my conscious reality in any fashion involving chemicals. Or in any fashion not conducive to ACTUAL REALITY. So, what I do and who I do it with has to actually work and not be harmful to my physical, emotional, or spiritual life. Cause it's all real.

So, enough with the evasive language. I have been trying to work out how to function in a group that two former covenmates wanted to be a part of. Let us just say that they are not the heatlthiest pair and one is not getting any help as yet for her lack of mental health. It was not a very healthy realtionship before and I have carried the resentmnents born of that until,well, two days ago.

I have been talking, writing, typing, praying (what else does one call it when one communes with the Divine), and meditating on this for over a week. The process felt messy and it WAS consuming. But, I did not feel that I was letting them *rent space in my head* as some friends made comment. I've been there. This was not the same place. This was a place where I was indeed looking at what had happened. But I was not playing it over and over to punish myself or look for ways to be vengeful. I saw them. Indeed. That would be the place where I build walls instead of boundaries. No, I found a place of boundaries and forgiveness. Yes, they did things I cannot countenance. I do not and will not permit or participate in their sick behaviour. But, two days ago, something just slipped away and I realised that I AM able to allow them into my home to participate in workshops as long as they behave. Forgiving them is not about letting them repeat their behaviour and saying it's okay. It's about holding boundaries and not resentments. If they can behave then they can come and maybe, just maybe they will learn to set boundaries of their own.

So, that was very interesting. It has been a long time since I have had to work that hard on resentments, forgiveness, boundaries. Cause my first reaction was to take refuge from the pain that they caused in the past behind a wall of defense. Like battlements for boiling oil and places for the archers. But that won't allow growth in me so, that wouldn't be very helpful.